A friend said something to me this week that I thought about for most of the day.
He said, “I respect, but don’t actually care what opinion others have”.
Now, let me say this was in a Tweet, so he didn’t have space for qualification of that statement. And it may have been in specific relation to a discussion we were having about a book and TV dramatisation that he loved, and about which – particularly with regard to the author – I had been less kind.
But I took it, knowing him somewhat, as a broad statement about how he generally feels about other people’s opinions.
My first reaction to this was it was something I should try to emulate myself. But the more that statement went round in my head, the more I puzzled over it.
When it comes to me I learned a long time ago not to care much what others think. I spent years of my life trying to be the most likeable person ever in a desperate attempt to, well, have people like me. But some people still didn’t like me so I realised it was a pointless exercise. May as well be me and either they like me or they don’t, but at least they base their judgement on who I actually am. I know I’m basically a good, if flawed, individual. If I did or said something to upset you, it was definitely a mistake and not intentional. (Seriously, if I did, let me know, I’ll say sorry!) So yeah, I don’t give much thought to what opinions people might hold about me.
But I do care quite a lot about what people think about my writing. I am embarrassingly needy of the approving pat on the head from someone whose opinion I value. Preferably my editor or client. I hope think it’s a fairly common trait in bleeding heart artist types like what I am.
As a journalist I rely on the opinions (and experience and wisdom) of the experts and case studies I interview and quote in my features. Since I’m usually writing about something of which I have no personal experience, and perhaps – at least when I start out and before I start researching – very little understanding, their opinions on the subject matter a great deal to me.
But the thing I kept coming back to was the more basic issue of whether someone’s opinion – a friend, a relative, an acquaintance – mattered to me. And whether it should. Their opinion on anything. Religion, politics, art, whether my bum looks big in this…
To not care about someone else’s opinion (and if my friend reads this I hope he’ll know I’m talking about myself and not about him) seems like arrogance in the extreme. I’m simply not that well informed about, well, anything, to believe that my opinion is right and therefore the only one that matters. I have been known to change my opinion based on new information given to me by someone who knows better.
I do have some unshakeable opinions. And, looking at the other side of his statement, there are some opinions which I absolutely do not respect. Racist opinions would be one example. Religious opinions would not. (Or am I confusing opinions with beliefs, and if so, what’s the difference?)
And of course some opinions are entirely subjective. You can’t really argue with those.
Although if you adore something, anything; yoghurt covered raisins, Justin Bieber or watching fun videos about cats on YouTube, and someone whom you like and respect says, “Why do you like that? That’s shit!”, it can really smart. (I could go down a whole other train of thought on this, but I’ll spare you.)
I am vaguely concerned that, at the age of 41, and running my own business, and having a mortgage and two kids, not being more convinced of the absolute, indomitable correctness of my own opinions makes me appear somewhat a pathetic weebling. Lots of people do seem to be completely, unswayably certain about the veracity of their opinions. Should I be more like them?
Ought it to be the case that if there’s one thing I can be sure of, it’s my own opinions?
To be honest my opinions can change based on whether it’s sunny outside, or someone smiled at me or if, actually, I happen to be bursting for a wee right now.
I’m over thinking it. I know.
So, er, anyway, I haven’t reached a conclusion. Probably because I’m not confident enough in my own opinions. But I thought about this so much that in the end I also wanted to know what other people think. Genuinely. I really want to know.
And, I have to thank my friend, I think, because I appear to have launched a blog based on this day of thinking about what he said, when I should have been concentrating on work.
Who knows if I’ll stick with it? Apparently I don’t.
Brilliant blog name! I so relate. Honestly, I think the ideal is to not care about praise or criticism when it comes to oneself — to not base self-esteem on what other people say or think. (Even if what they think is my bum looks big in my favourite trousers. If I like feel good, or don’t care, then so what?) In practice, of course, it’s challenging to get to the place where you can shrug it off.
But I think that’s different from valuing the opinion of a client, or caring what people you like and respect think. I too have had my mind changed by new info and I think that’s a good thing — the people who are the most ignorant and arrogant are often the ones who refuse to see someone else’s point of view.
As far as I’m concerned, being able to question one’s opinions (or beliefs) and understand how and why you hold them (and why other people hold different ones) is one of the key elements of critical thinking. If you’re not open to examining why and what you think, surely that’s an incredibly limiting way to live?
Hello ladies,
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I tried to post this last night but my web host was having some ‘issues’.
Thanks again. Love you!!
:o)
Oh. It does smilies. So that should have been 🙂
Hi Siobh, lovely to see you blogging, am wondering now why you haven’t before!
I would say, having read your post that there is a difference between having an opinion and being ‘opinionated’, or dogmatic. I speak, like you, as one who has spent her entire life trying to please others, and only in recent years come to the conclusion that there is no point. I don’t ‘go with the flow’ or succumb to The Emperors new clothes way of thinking. I try to express myself honestly and sometimes this upsets people. It shouldn’t! Just because I think something doesn’t mean I don’t listen to and respect others. Perhaps this is what your friend meant? I don’t know.
Anyway, good luck with the blog and looking forward to seeing the website x
http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=740
that is all I have to say on the matter for now.
Aaah, I feel so at home reading this, it sounds like the inside of my head! 🙂
Aw, thanks guys for your comments on my first post. You’re very kind.
Carol, thanks for your view. That’s a very good point and maybe exactly what he meant. I’ve never stuck with blogging before because I’m basically lazy, and also never really thought I had anything interesting enough to say that anyone would want to read, and also because I’m not used to writing for free!
Thanks Jon, took me a minute to work out, but got there in the end. Like it.
And thank you Rin. Am SO glad it’s not just me! (Phew!) 🙂
Hi Siobhan, I’m glad I’m not the only one who changes their opinion based on new and changed factors! I always let things influence me, I can’t seem to help it. I’ve always tried to be likeable; I was brought up to put everyone else before myself, and told that would make me a good person. But I have found that expressing opinions doesn’t help people like me, so nowadays I try to keep quiet on what I think, so I don’t express a ‘wrong opinion’ and piss someone off without ever meaning to. I wish I could care a lot less about what others think. There are some folk around who are very hard to please and some just don’t like the look of me it seems. I guess these are the people whose opinions I should really ignore. Oh well, I am what I am and at least I’m not pretending.
I loved your first couple of blog entries, and looking forward to reading more. :o)
Aw, thank you so much Susie. I will try to make future posts less wordy!
I think, I used to care a lot about other people, but now I don’t bother. They’re almost certainly not thinking or caring about me!
I realised my friends will like me for what I am, with all my many quirks and mad ideas that they may well disagree with, but – as I do – will like me enough that they’re prepared to overlook the things we’re not entirely compatible on, and will forgive me the occasional slip up when I do or say something wrong or that upset them. Hopefully they’ll tell me so I can try not to do it again, and can say sorry, rather than letting me carry on oblivious to the fact.
I have lovely friends, as evidenced by the many who’ve taken the time to write something here or somewhere else, and I am immensely grateful for them, and to them. Anyone who thinks differently about me doesn’t really know me, and I don’t have time – or the energy or inclination – to try to change their mind, and it doesn’t bother me that they do have different opinions about me. Years ago I would have gone out of my way to try to make them like me, but it’s pointless. And I don’t need them.
Thanks again! xx
And, when I said I don’t care about other people, of course I meant I don’t care what other people think about me.
Actually I care *a lot* about people. They probably just don’t realise it.
But what I meant was, do you have one of those evenings where you spend ages talking (or thinking) about someone and that thing they did that upset you or you thought was really rude and what could be their motivation and why would they do/say a thing like that? I’ve done that *so* many times. But in the end you have to realise that person is almost certainly not spending an entire evening thinking about you. So why waste your precious brain space and emotions and energy on them? That’s why I tend to just shrug and think, ‘oh well, I know I’m not whatever you think I am, and that’s all that matters’.
Yay, I’m so glad you are blogging, I hope you keep it up cos I will be following you. I sometimes like to think I’ve got old enough so that I don’t have to care what people think about me any more. Sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don’t ……
Aw, thank you Debbie. :o) I am a bit hit and miss with it. I need to get better at doing it more frequently, but thank you! I will try.
Oh! I always forget this thing does it’s own smileys. So I meant 🙂